Getting closer to getting to go home again, after six months. The past few months have been busy, crazy… sort of devastating. I passed a very important test on route to getting my license but failed my other important test that relates directly to my graduate level curriculum. So, one huge step forward and another huge step back.
But, it’s not always bad stuff! I started martial arts again and it’s been liberating. Physical pain and struggle numbs and calms my mind.
And then, another blow: sexual assault from one of the people I was dating. I trusted him and he broke me. That lead to one of my lovers pushing me away and two others basically restricted every form of fluid exchange, including kissing. Two weeks after the incicent, none of my “lovers” really talk to me. I had to initiate every contact, every time, even if it was a random txt about nothing important.
And here’s what breaking me all over again: they said they wouldn’t leave me. I got involved with them and they knew that is one of my biggest fears and, yet, they all left. Now I’m left with whatever’s left of me. Now I’m left with my dark mind and urges of cutting every tiny bit of my thighs. I’m left with my nightmares and an empty bed. I’m left with my insecurities and no one to guide me through. I’m left with myself and soon I realized why they left. I’m just… not worth the time and energy and effort. I’m just… not worth it.